Erotic Hypnosis Negotiation Guide

This is a template for an hypnosis scene negotiation. I actually walk through this whole thing every time I play with someone for the first time. It's a good way to make sure our interests line up and that my skill-set matches what the hypnotee wants. Some of the items on the list aren't relevant for every scene and can be skipped, but it's good to be on the same page--"we're skipping the pain section, okay?". There's nothing so hot as someone looking up into your face and saying “I trust you” and nothing worse than “wait—I trusted you! I didn't want you to vomit in my mouth! We're never playing again!”
At the bottom of this document is a shorthand negotiation that you can use to play with someone with whom you've played before. It cuts out some of the items that are less subject to change.

This guide is to be used before hypnosis starts. Do not bring someone out of trance mid-scene to re-negotiate. This is unacceptable due to the hypnosis hangover; people are still suggestible right out of trance, which makes any negotiation invalid as if they were drunk. If you think of something you really want to do mid-scene that you didn't negotiate, negotiate it next time. If you're worried that there isn't going to be a next time, you should probably think about why that is. If it's an insecurity, you should leave it at the door and not pressure your subjects with it.

Before you start your negotiation, think about this: consent with hypnosis gets kinda complicated. We play with the power of suggestion, and must refrain from doing so in negotiation. Note how all of the questions in the negotiation are phrased with options of equal weight and has “outs” that don't ever require a disagreement or “no.” I, myself, go so far as to avoid specifically soliciting people to be hypnotized by me. “May I hypnotize you?” requires a “no” to decline, whereas “let me know if you want to do a hypnosis scene,” only requires a “thanks” and silence to decline, which is easier. “No” can occasionally be hard, especially with a pre-established power dynamic of “I hypnotist, you subject.”

Once all parties involved have established preliminary interest in an hypnosis scene, proceed through this guide.

Names and Pronouns

What is your name? What would you like to be called in this scene (name/scene name/title/pet name)?
What are your preferred gender pronouns (she/her, he/him, they/them, xi/xir, etc.)? What gender pronouns would you like for me to use for you in scene (she/her, he/him, they/them, xi/xir, it/it's, etc.)?
Note: asking someone their preferred gender pronouns is not the same as asking them their gender. Pronouns are simply the language someone prefers to have used for them, and it is always polite and encouraged to ask for someone's pronouns.

State of Mind

How are you today?
How do you feel about playing with me today?
Are you happy and in a good mental space to play today?
Have you ingested any drugs and/or alcohol and/or any other mind altering substances?
Note: topping or bottoming hypnosis or any BDSM is not recommended while under the influence of any mind altering substances as results become less predictable.

Time Constraints

How long are you imagining this scene will go?
Do you have any time constraints?

Participants

Of which parties is this scene comprised?
How many people are in this scene?
Are other parties allowed in the scene (if so, who, and how may they be involved)?
Note: it is recommended that hypnotists minimize their number of subjects in trance at any time for attention purposes. Multiple hypnotee scenes may, however, be accomplished safely with sufficiently experienced hypnotists and hypnotees.

Safewords

What safe words do you like to use?
Do you like the stoplight system?
What does "red" mean for you?
What does "yellow" mean for you?
Note: during scene, the hypnotist should actually program in and reenforce these safewords for good measure. See 10 Hypnosis Safety Suggestions Everyone Should Use.

Language/Topics/Phobias/Allergies to Avoid

Note: Use your judgment on these questions. Some of them may be important and others may not. I ask about allergies when suggestions or scenarios might involve moving around a room or food or animals, but don't bother if my hypnotee is going to be sitting in a chair in the middle of a clean empty room for the whole scene not fantasizing about peanut butter or shell fish. Similarly, I don't bother asking about phobias if I don't plan on using any particular imagery or interacting with anything or anyone.

Do you have any allergies that are relevant for keeping you safe here?
Do you have any phobias that it would be good for me to know about?
Are there any words or phrases that I should avoid calling you or using? (Stupid, slut, mommy, coward, Rosebud, Professor Snape?).
What general areas or topics should I avoid (racial slurs, family, etc.)

Physical condition

Do you have any injuries or physical limitations that I should be aware of (bum knee, cuts/bruises, soreness, etc.)?
Are you on any medications that I need to be aware of (ones you have to take soon? Blood-thinners?)
Have you eaten and are you hydrated?
**Make sure to use the bathroom before starting the scene!

Clothing

• What clothing should remain on?
• If you'd like clothing removal, should I take it off you, or should you?
• What clothing needs to remain intact?

Physical contact

Remember: no physical contact is actually necessary for a hypnosis scene, but any contact that happens NEEDS to be negotiated in ADVANCE of trance. There are some types of physical contact that can be very helpful to your induction; hand-hand contact is nice, forehead taps, knee taps, hugs, swaying, etc. are super helpful, massage-level touch can be very helpful, and intimate contact can also be fun. Do not negotiate this in trance, and bringing someone out of trance to re-negotiate doesn't count! If there's something you want to try mid-scene that you didn't negotiate, save it for the next scene.

• Can I touch you?
• If so, where can I touch you?
• Above the clothing or below?
• Where are you okay with touching yourself in front of me?

Sexuality

• Would you like to have an element of sexuality in this scene?
• If so, what does that mean? What are you comfortable with? (Kissing? Hands and/or mouth on external genitals? Fingering? Penetration? Vaginal? Oral? Anal?)
• What about hypnotic sexuality? Hypnotic arousal/pleasure/orgasms?

Fluids

• What fluids are you okay with in the scene? (Saliva, sweat, tears, orgasmic fluids, blood, urine).

Protection/STIs

• Do you have any STIs?
• When was the last time you were tested?
• What protection would you like to use?

Specific play

Trance

• Have you been hypnotized before? Tell me about that.
• How do you communicate in trance?
• What do you like about hypnosis?
• Do you have a preference for how I speak as a hypnotist? Do you prefer clinical speech? Erotic? D/s themes with words like “obey” and “submit?”

Types of Suggestions

• What kind of play are you looking for today? What are you interested in doing?

Here are some categories to ask about that cover most things:

• Hypnotic bondage—making the hypnotee stuck
• Hypnotic characters—making the hypnotee or hypnotist a character
• Memory play—temporarily removing or altering memories, or making the hypnotee not remember suggestions or triggers
• Sensation manipulation—giving the hypnotee sensations that aren't there, or exaggerating sensations that are there. Hypnotic arousal/pleasure/orgasms.
• D/s—elements of domination and submission in the suggestions. Service, control, etc. What about humiliation/degradation? What does that mean?
• Posthypnotic suggestions—giving the hypnotee suggestions that last out of trance. This should be done with caution by advanced hypnotists, and also negotiated separately. Negotiate how long the suggestions should last, where they apply, within what contexts they apply. I'd go so far as to say negotiate and draft specific language for these so that all parties are on the same page before suggestions are put in. Imagine posthypnotic suggestions like writing with a sharpie in someone's head. Talk about it first. Also, don't do therapy. You probably aren't a therapist. Even if you are, don't do therapy in scene. Don't try and “fix” people or help people. The farthest I go down this path is helping people have a good night of sleep that night.

For Any Pain Play

I strongly discourage any but expert hypnotists mixing pain and hypnosis. There are a lot of ways to do mix pain and hypnosis, and a few ways to do it with relative safety. I never mix pain and hypnosis unless my bottom is an extremely experienced pain bottom, and/or hypnosis bottom, and even then, it's tricky. Seek specific instruction from an experienced hypnotist if you don't know how to do this.

• Are you interested incorporating pain?
• What is your experience with pain?
• What are your pain limits like?

For hypnosis, there are three types of pain: real physical pain (with actual impact, pinchy, scratchy, bitey, etc), hypnotic “physical pain,” (“Snapping my fingers and tapping you on the back will make you feel the sting of the flogger just how you like it right where I tap”), and emotional pain (shame, humiliation, sadness, fear, etc.).

• Is there a type of pain that you are interested in?

Real physical pain should be monitored carefully; make absolutely sure your bottom can and will yellow out before attempting. Hypnosis can increase pain tolerance dramatically to the point where people will allow a lot more pain than they intend, sometimes to the point of physical harm. Do not hypnotize people to translate pain into pleasure!
Tip: Develop pain-scale system. I use a ten point scale. What is a ten? What is a five? What number would be your max for the scene?

• What kinds of pain do you like? (Thuddy, stingy, scratchy, hot, cold, pinchy, bitey?
• How do you warm up?

• What toys can I use?
• Can I leave marks?
• If so, where is ok?
• How long can they last?

With hypnotic “physical pain,” it's important to reference specific experiences of pain and describe it such that it feels the way you want it to. Don't leave room for the subconscious to misinterpret and accidentally feed the hypnotee bad pain or overwhelming pain.
For emotional pain, oh my god, proceed with caution. This is extremely edgy. Do not attempt unless you are an expert hypnotist with an experienced subject who has experience with emotional edgeplay outside of hypnosis. Aim for positive suggestions, for example: “and you'll feel the humiliation that you know you love” instead of “and you'll feel terrible humiliation that makes you feel terrible and terrible!” That could just end up being terrible.

Aftercare

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• What kind of aftercare do you need? (Cuddles vs. space, food and water, blanket, discussion, decompress)
• Will you need transportation somewhere after?
• What kinds of interaction do you need in days to come? (Check in, privacy, space, photos of marks)

Other

• If you start crying, what should I do? (Or, shaking, inability to stand, talk).
• Tell me some things I should know about playing with you.
• Please enjoy your hypnosis play! Let me know what questions you have and what you think I should add.

For a general BDSM scene negotiation, check out... Negotiation Guide
And here's a link to 10 Hypnosis Safety Suggestions Everyone Should Use

Glossary

Glossary of Terms
A (questionably) alphabetical, culturally specific (and biased), ever-incomplete and ever-evolving list  of terms and definitions to be updated regularly. 


Abreaction: An unexpected (and possibly bad) response during a hypnosis scene.

Aftercare: The post-scene activities to return to the real world and typical state of mind. This is different for everyone but can include a discussion, cuddling, snacks and water, a blanket, or space and non-contact.

BDSM: Bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, and masochism.

Bondage: immobilizing a party or parties using physical or psychological means including but not limited to rope, leather, cages, or even hypnosis.

Bottom: The receiver of sensation or BDSM actions. This comes from the gay male culture of the person penetrating being the top and the receiver being the bottom.

Bunny: Someone who bottoms for rope, typically for demo or practice purposes.

Cultural Appropriation: The incorrect use of cultural traditions or items from a marginalized community which adds to stereotypes and/or disrespects the origins of the culture.

Dom: The dominant party in a scene. A Dom typically enjoys a more psychological or physical control over their partners as opposed to "top" which merely implies an administrative and active role.

Domme: An obnoxious word meant to draw a difference between male Doms and female Doms.

Dungeon: A place for people to do kinky things-- a dungeon typically houses kink furniture such as St. Andrew's Crosses, spanking benches, and cages.

FemDom: An obnoxious word meant to draw a difference between male Doms and female Doms. This might not be obnoxious if male Doms were called MenDoms instead of just Doms.

Fetish: A strong arousal or desire caused by a non-sexual object or situation in and of itself with no sexual context. Many fetishists recognize their fetishes as small children.

Figging: The practice of inserting ginger into the anus. Ow.

Fisting: The act of inserting a fist into a bodily orifice, typically the vagina or anus.

Hypnosis: The intentional art of inducing altered states of consciousness or use of the power of suggestion to create a desired (consensual) response.

Hypnotee: The person being hypnotized. Also known as a subject or bottom.

Impact: A general term for sadistic or sensation-inducing practice of hitting. This includes canes, crops, whips, floggers, spanking, punching, kicking, and car accidents.

Induction: The portion of an hypnosis session which brings a subject/bottom/hypnotee into a hypnotic trance.

Fetish: A particularly strong kink that may be experienced even in young childhood. The subject of a fetish is an object that is not traditionally sexual. Fetishists typically find that their fetish will increase the intensity, fun, or arousal in any activity in which it is involved, and may find it fun all by itself. For example, a rope kinkster may like to be tied up, while a rope fetishist may like everything about rope, down to the smell.

Flogger: A leather whip with a handle and many leather tales. This is a very common tool for impact and create sensations ranging from massage to stingy to thuddy.

Kink: Noun: a deep sexual, cathartic, or artistic enjoyment of practices that do not follow traditional sexual practices. Kinks can be enjoyed with or without sex involved. Kink is also used as a verb: "I kink on that," which means to enjoy something as a kink. Everyone has different kinks. Sexual arousal is not necessary for something to be a kink. For example, many people engage in rope for purely artistic reasons. Others find control cathartic, but not arousing. Some find the headspace or altered state of consciousness associated to be fun. Many do associate sexual arousal with their kinks, though.

Leather: Refers to cowhide clothing, accessories, and implements, and also to a community of people who value alternative sexuality with the added medium of leather appreciation and fetishism.

Leather family: A tight-nit group of people with deep friendships with familial feelings for one another in the leather community.

Modality: Modality refers to whether someone's more visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. There are a bunch of ways to figure out someone's primary modalities. Look forward to a post all about that! For the meantime, look for clues in someone's descriptions. If you ask someone about their bedroom or office and they talk most about the decorations or colors, probably visual. If they talk about layout, textures, or clutter, they're probably kinesthetic. If they talk about how it's in a quiet part of the building or within earshot of their boss, auditory. Another good test is "imagine you're on a beach." Ask what they notice. Once you have established their modality use that sense most in your suggestions and descriptions. "You'll be awake and alert as if you've just stepped out of a nice hot shower." "You'll be awake and alert as if you're half way through listening to your favorite peppy song." "You'll be awake and alert as if you've slept for hours and the sun is streaming through your window."


Negotiation: The discussion between two or more parties to establish consent and limits for a scene or scenes of kinky or sexual activities.

NLP: Neuro-linguistic programming, or neuro-linguistic psychology. This refers to a technique used for reading someone's primary methods of communication in order to communicate on their level. This is also a technique of communicating and sending suggestions subconsciously.

Old Guard: A culture of gay leather men originating in the early 20th century dedicated to ritual, protocol, and militant hierarchy.

OTK: Short for "One True Kink." This refers to someone's favorite kinks that really turn them on a lot, as opposed to kinks they may practice for cathartic, artistic, creative, or social reasons. This could be similar to "fetish."

Patter: Hypnosis monologue in a hypnotic tone made up of casual deepeners, validation, and whatever specific induction or suggestions the hypnotist is using. Patter tends to be continuous and fluid.

PGP: Short for "Preferred Gender Pronouns"

Play: engage in kinky or BDSM or fetish practices.

Playspace: A place to engage in kinky play, such as a dungeon.

Preferred Gender Pronouns: See "Pronouns"

Pronouns: Typically on this blog will refer to preferred gender pronouns. This is the little word someone uses for other people in the third person. For example, she/her, he/him, they/them, xi/xir, etc.

Protocol: Standing rules and traditions in a D/s relationship, such as who sits where, titles and formalities, and physical positions of greeting or offering.

Rigger: Someone who practices tying rope bondage.

Scene: A kinky encounter. A scene begins after negotiation, and ends with aftercare.

Service Top: A person who administrates sensation or other BDSM elements in order to satisfy the wants of the bottom.

Sleep Trance: A state where a hypnotee is in trance with their eyes closed in a dormant, listening position. This does not imply unconsciousness or actual sleep. It's mostly used as a convenient metaphor, and many hypnotists find it easier to concoct deepeners and suggestions when the hypnotee isn't staring at them.

Squick: A verb or noun referring to something that freaks you out, grosses you out, makes you uncomfortable. "That's a squick for me," or "that squicks me."

Stingy: Sharp, superficial pain. Stingy tools may cause redness of skin, welts, possible skin breaking, and superficial bruising.

Sub/ Submissive: The submissive party in the scene. Someone who wants to serve, submit, or be broken to their dominant. A submissive tends to have appetites to be controlled or subjugated or commanded.

Sub Drop: Negative or un-energetic emotions that can occur after submitting, bottoming, or entering sub-space. This can occur immediately after the scene or in days following. This can look like fatigue, depression, anxiety, sadness, or lack of satisfaction, among other things.

Sub Space: An altered state of consciousness brought on by the act of submission or bottoming. This can be an endorphin-fueled state that feels euphoric and can also come with side effects like heightened suggestibility and submission.

Thuddy: Deep muscle pain. Thuddy tools may cause redness of skin, superficial bruising, deep bruising, and, unfortunately, bone breakage, but try to avoid that.

Top: A person administrating sensation or other BDSM elements. This comes from the gay male culture of the person penetrating being the top and the receiver being the bottom.

Trance: An alerted state of consciousness notable for creativity, relaxation, and suggestibility. Most people experience trance while driving, reading, or staring at fire. This can be achieved through meditation, hypnosis, prayer, exercise, reading, etc.

24/7 Relationship: A relationship that incorporates heavy dominant and submissive themes and protocols into every day life every day.

Negotiation Guide

BDSM and Kinky Scene Negotiation Guide

Use this guide for your negotiations whenever you are playing with a new partner to establish consent and limits for the relevant and desired activities. Go through the whole thing each time you're with a new partner--this is intended to remind you of items to negotiate and doesn't actually take very long because there will be sections and questions that you can skip entirely. Take notes if you need to. For ongoing or recurring partners, you can also use our shorthand template at the bottom of this document. Do not answer "whatever" to any of these questions. If your partner answers "whatever," I suggest you say something snarky like "great! I've always been looking for someone who will let me vomit in their mouth!" so that they understand the mistake they've made. 

Please let me know if there's something you think I should add to this list. 

Meanwhile, this document should also be supplemented with scene-specific information.

Also, use common sense, please.

Enjoy your scene!

Names and Pronouns

• What is your name? What would you like to be called in this scene (name/scene name/title/pet name)?
• What are your preferred gender pronouns (she/her, he/him, they/them, xi/xir, etc.)? What gender pronouns would you like for me to use for you in scene (she/her, he/him, they/them, xi/xir, it/it's, etc.)?

Note: asking someone their preferred gender pronouns is not the same as asking them their gender. Pronouns are simply the language someone prefers to have used for them, and it is always polite and encouraged to ask for someone's pronouns.

State of Mind

• How are you today?
• How do you feel about playing with me today?
• Are you happy and in a good mental space to play today?
• Have you ingested any drugs and/or alcohol and/or any other mind altering substances?

Time Constraints

• How long are you imagining this scene will go?
• Do you have any time constraints?

Participants

• Of which parties is this scene comprised?
• How many people are in this scene?
• Are other parties allowed in the scene (if so, who)?

Safewords

• What safe words do you like to use?
• Do you like the stoplight system?
• What does "red" mean for you?
• What does "yellow" mean for you?

Language

• Are there any words or phrases that I should avoid? (Stupid, slut, mommy, coward).
• Are there any general areas of topic that I should avoid (racial slurs, family, etc.)

Physical condition

• Do you have any injuries or physical limitations that I should be aware of?
• Are you on any medications that I need to be aware of (ones you have to take soon? Blood-thinners?)
• Have you eaten and are you hydrated?

Clothing

• What clothing needs to remain on?
• Should I take it off you, or should you?
• What clothing needs to remain intact?

Physical contact

• Can I touch you?
• If so, where can I touch you?
• Above the clothing or below?

Sexuality

• Would you like to have an element of sexuality in this scene?
• If so, what are you comfortable with? (Kissing? Hands and/or mouth on external genitals? Fingering? Penetration? Vaginal? Oral? Anal?)

Fluids

• What fluids are you okay with in the scene? (Saliva, sweat, tears, orgasmic fluids, blood, urine).

Protection/STIs

• Do you have any STIs?
• When was the last time you were tested?
• What protection would you like to use?

Specific play

• What kind of play are you looking for today? What are you interested in doing? (Impact, Bondage, Hypnosis, Sensation, Role Playing?)
• What role would you like? (Top, bottom, Dom, sub, Inspector, puppy, Professor Snape)

For Any Pain Play

• What is your experience with pain?
• What are your pain limits like?

Tip: develop pain-scale system to use with first time partners. What is a ten? What is a five? What number would be your max for the scene?

• What kinds of pain do you like? (Thuddy, stingy, scratchy, hot, cold, pinchy, bitey?)
• How do you warm up?
• What toys can I use?

Marks

• Can I leave marks?
• If so, where is ok?
• How long can they last?

Soft Limits

• What types of play would you like me to check in about mid-scene?
• What types of play could be brought up depending on how the scene goes?

Hard Limits

• What types of play do you absolutely not want to do now or possibly ever?

Sub Space

• Do you go into subspace?
• Do you anticipate going into subspace?
• What should I do if you go into subspace?
• What is your communication like in subspace?
• If you start crying, what should I do? (Or, shaking, inability to stand, talk).

Aftercare

• What kind of aftercare do you need? (Cuddles vs. space, food and water, blanket, discussion, decompress)
• Will you need transportation somewhere after?
• What kinds of interaction do you need in days to come? (Check in, privacy, space, photos of marks)

Short Hand Negotiation Checklist for Ongoing Partners

Use this if you've already played with someone a few times.

State of Mind

• How are you today?
• How do you feel about playing with me today?
• Are you happy and in a good mental space to play today?
• Have you ingested any drugs and/or alcohol and/or any other mind altering substances?

Time Constraints

• How long are you imagining this scene will go?
• Do you have any time constraints?

Safewords

• Check in about safewords

Physical condition

• Do you have any injuries or physical limitations that I should be aware of?
• Are you on any medications that I need to be aware of (ones you have to take soon? Blood-thinners?)

Clothing

• What clothing needs to remain on?
• What clothing needs to remain intact?

Physical contact

• What are you comfortable with for this scene?

Sexuality

• What are you comfortable with for this scene?
• What does sexuality mean to you?

Specific play

• What kind of play are you looking for today?
• What are you interested in doing?
• Interested in pain play?
• Thuddy or stingy? (Impact, Bondage, Hypnosis, Sensation, Role Playing?)
• What role would you like? (Top, bottom, Dom, sub, Inspector, puppy, Professor Snape)

Limits

• What are you not interested in for the night?
• What might you be interested in?

Sub Space

• Do you think you'll go into space in this environment?

Aftercare

• What kind of aftercare do you need? (Cuddles vs. space, food and water, blanket, discussion, decompress)
• Will you need transportation somewhere after?
• What kinds of interaction do you need in days to come? (Check in, privacy, space, photos of marks)

Note:

If you're playing with someone for the first time, it's always a good idea to make sure you have a buddy in the space, and/or make sure your partner has an emergency contact number for you.