Bringing New People into the Hypnosis Community (Courtesy of XX Erotic Hypnosis Peershare)

The following is a writeup of the notes and ideas from the XX Erotic Hypnosis Peershare.  The XX Erotic Hypnosis Peershare meets on the 2nd Sunday of the month at 3PM at Wicked Grounds cafe on 8th and Folsom in San Francisco. People who are new to hypnosis should come at 2PM to get the Hypnosis 101 language, terms, and practices.

The topic of the month (October):

 How do we incorporate new members into the hypnosis community?

• What values should we impart?

That shaddowy place is the land of stage hypnosis. You must never go there, Simba.

• Negotiate ONLY before trance! If you forgot something in negotiation, do it next time. Your first scene will not be your only scene, so you don't have to do it all at once. In fact, if you do it all at once, it may be your last scene. 
• Be confident but humble. Acknowledge to yourself what's not working in scene and try something else. Look for feedback from your partners and peers.
• Create the ability for informed consent. Don't tell hypnotees that nothing can go wrong. Don't tell them that they won't do anything they don't want to do. Instead, suggest that they'll have a good time and remind them that you and they will be checking in frequently. Then do relevant safety suggestions.
• You are never done learning. There are no masters in this community, only more experienced students. Keep learning.
• Make your own decisions about every person you meet.  Never assume any leader in the community is always right or ethical or knows everything.

• How should new people find partners to hypnotize?

• Go to munches. Hypnosis munches are fine, but the BDSM community is excited about hypnosis right now and a lot of people would love for you to explain what hypnosis is to them.
• Be passionate about hypnosis and explain it to people you meet. Usually telling someone that you're a hypnotist is enough to get them interested. If they're not interested, don't try to make them interested.
• Get to know somebody a little before asking them to play. Don't be desperate. Desperation feels yucky to your potential subject and you may be inadvertently pressuring them (which invalidates the consent).
• Get a Fetlife profile. Fill it out. Fill out the whole thing. Filling out the whole thing makes you look like a real person and not someone trolling the internet to get laid. Don't message people unless you've met them or they're the leader of a community and you have a question for them. Do not ask people you have not met if they want to play. Use Fetlife to find events and to communicate with people you've already met at events.
• Bring your crystal or your pocket watch and mess around with it at bars and munches. It's a good conversation starter. 
• Talk about hypnosis with your friends. Who knows? One of them may be interested!
• If your existing partner or existing play partners are interested, try with them.

• What should a first scene look like?

Make sure they don't mind control you back.



• Do a full negotiation. Consider following a Negotiation Guide to make sure you've remembered everything important. 
• Playing with experienced subjects is a good idea because they go under more easily which will build your confidence, and can give you feedback.
• Try something small first. Sensation, humor, small compulsions, etc. Don't go straight for the hands-free orgasm. See if it works. Go from there.
• Try starting with non-erotic scenes. It may be less intimidating for everyone involved. Aim to explore, not to get off. If you like hypnosis, it should be interesting/hot anyway.
• Check in early and often. Use neutral language like "How are you?" and "Tell me about that." Use the feedback.
• Make sure to turn off your cell phone.

• What is positive behavior for experienced members welcoming in new members (without being predatory)?

Pass me the newbie and some sugar, please.



• Leave "outs" in solicitations, or wait for others to solicit you. "Let me know if you want to do some hypnosis" is a lot easier to turn down than "So, do you want to be hypnotized?"
• Use neutral language with equally weighted options. "Would you like to be hypnotized, or shall we continue our conversation?" "Are you interested in trance, or should we grab some food?"

• How can new people determine their limits?

• Go through a Negotiation Guide on your own. 
• Write down your limits.
• Talk about your limits with a friend. 
• Think about things you really want to do, and do only those. An enthusiastic yes is the only answer that matters. 
• Check in during scene if something feels weird. If you are the hypnotee, make sure your hypnotist checks in with you and that you feel like you can check in with them.

• What are some practical hypnosis newbie tricks?

• Do your first scene(s) with someone who's been in trance a lot. They'll go under easily for you, boosting your confidence, and then they'll probably be able to give you feedback, boosting your skills.
• Practice with switches who can give you feedback from both perspectives.
• Practice on yourself. Do auto-hypnosis to practice your "patter" and flow. Maybe try some self-therapy like for sleeping better or exercising more, or try some erotic hypnosis to see what your mind can do all on its own.
• Try using a suggestion like "the pauses between my words will send you deeper" in order to make sure your subjects keep going deeper if you have to pause to think. This will make you more confident. "My speech patterns will seem perfectly natural in your mind."

Here are some items that we may explore in upcoming munches. 

• Can someone hypnotize from the bottom? What does that look like? Is that safe?
• Demonstrate and dissect a scene
• Induction intensive--learn and practice a handful of inductions presented by the group
• Theory of hypnosis and technical information
• Hypno-duel
• Pair off and practice
• Rapport workshop
• Receive homework assignments for the month and share what we learned next time

And we leave you with this hypnosis duel to tango theremin from the 1950's Dr. Seuss Musical, The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T. You should see the movie. 

Erotic Hypnosis Negotiation Guide

This is a template for an hypnosis scene negotiation. I actually walk through this whole thing every time I play with someone for the first time. It's a good way to make sure our interests line up and that my skill-set matches what the hypnotee wants. Some of the items on the list aren't relevant for every scene and can be skipped, but it's good to be on the same page--"we're skipping the pain section, okay?". There's nothing so hot as someone looking up into your face and saying “I trust you” and nothing worse than “wait—I trusted you! I didn't want you to vomit in my mouth! We're never playing again!”
At the bottom of this document is a shorthand negotiation that you can use to play with someone with whom you've played before. It cuts out some of the items that are less subject to change.

This guide is to be used before hypnosis starts. Do not bring someone out of trance mid-scene to re-negotiate. This is unacceptable due to the hypnosis hangover; people are still suggestible right out of trance, which makes any negotiation invalid as if they were drunk. If you think of something you really want to do mid-scene that you didn't negotiate, negotiate it next time. If you're worried that there isn't going to be a next time, you should probably think about why that is. If it's an insecurity, you should leave it at the door and not pressure your subjects with it.

Before you start your negotiation, think about this: consent with hypnosis gets kinda complicated. We play with the power of suggestion, and must refrain from doing so in negotiation. Note how all of the questions in the negotiation are phrased with options of equal weight and has “outs” that don't ever require a disagreement or “no.” I, myself, go so far as to avoid specifically soliciting people to be hypnotized by me. “May I hypnotize you?” requires a “no” to decline, whereas “let me know if you want to do a hypnosis scene,” only requires a “thanks” and silence to decline, which is easier. “No” can occasionally be hard, especially with a pre-established power dynamic of “I hypnotist, you subject.”

Once all parties involved have established preliminary interest in an hypnosis scene, proceed through this guide.

Names and Pronouns

What is your name? What would you like to be called in this scene (name/scene name/title/pet name)?
What are your preferred gender pronouns (she/her, he/him, they/them, xi/xir, etc.)? What gender pronouns would you like for me to use for you in scene (she/her, he/him, they/them, xi/xir, it/it's, etc.)?
Note: asking someone their preferred gender pronouns is not the same as asking them their gender. Pronouns are simply the language someone prefers to have used for them, and it is always polite and encouraged to ask for someone's pronouns.

State of Mind

How are you today?
How do you feel about playing with me today?
Are you happy and in a good mental space to play today?
Have you ingested any drugs and/or alcohol and/or any other mind altering substances?
Note: topping or bottoming hypnosis or any BDSM is not recommended while under the influence of any mind altering substances as results become less predictable.

Time Constraints

How long are you imagining this scene will go?
Do you have any time constraints?

Participants

Of which parties is this scene comprised?
How many people are in this scene?
Are other parties allowed in the scene (if so, who, and how may they be involved)?
Note: it is recommended that hypnotists minimize their number of subjects in trance at any time for attention purposes. Multiple hypnotee scenes may, however, be accomplished safely with sufficiently experienced hypnotists and hypnotees.

Safewords

What safe words do you like to use?
Do you like the stoplight system?
What does "red" mean for you?
What does "yellow" mean for you?
Note: during scene, the hypnotist should actually program in and reenforce these safewords for good measure. See 10 Hypnosis Safety Suggestions Everyone Should Use.

Language/Topics/Phobias/Allergies to Avoid

Note: Use your judgment on these questions. Some of them may be important and others may not. I ask about allergies when suggestions or scenarios might involve moving around a room or food or animals, but don't bother if my hypnotee is going to be sitting in a chair in the middle of a clean empty room for the whole scene not fantasizing about peanut butter or shell fish. Similarly, I don't bother asking about phobias if I don't plan on using any particular imagery or interacting with anything or anyone.

Do you have any allergies that are relevant for keeping you safe here?
Do you have any phobias that it would be good for me to know about?
Are there any words or phrases that I should avoid calling you or using? (Stupid, slut, mommy, coward, Rosebud, Professor Snape?).
What general areas or topics should I avoid (racial slurs, family, etc.)

Physical condition

Do you have any injuries or physical limitations that I should be aware of (bum knee, cuts/bruises, soreness, etc.)?
Are you on any medications that I need to be aware of (ones you have to take soon? Blood-thinners?)
Have you eaten and are you hydrated?
**Make sure to use the bathroom before starting the scene!

Clothing

• What clothing should remain on?
• If you'd like clothing removal, should I take it off you, or should you?
• What clothing needs to remain intact?

Physical contact

Remember: no physical contact is actually necessary for a hypnosis scene, but any contact that happens NEEDS to be negotiated in ADVANCE of trance. There are some types of physical contact that can be very helpful to your induction; hand-hand contact is nice, forehead taps, knee taps, hugs, swaying, etc. are super helpful, massage-level touch can be very helpful, and intimate contact can also be fun. Do not negotiate this in trance, and bringing someone out of trance to re-negotiate doesn't count! If there's something you want to try mid-scene that you didn't negotiate, save it for the next scene.

• Can I touch you?
• If so, where can I touch you?
• Above the clothing or below?
• Where are you okay with touching yourself in front of me?

Sexuality

• Would you like to have an element of sexuality in this scene?
• If so, what does that mean? What are you comfortable with? (Kissing? Hands and/or mouth on external genitals? Fingering? Penetration? Vaginal? Oral? Anal?)
• What about hypnotic sexuality? Hypnotic arousal/pleasure/orgasms?

Fluids

• What fluids are you okay with in the scene? (Saliva, sweat, tears, orgasmic fluids, blood, urine).

Protection/STIs

• Do you have any STIs?
• When was the last time you were tested?
• What protection would you like to use?

Specific play

Trance

• Have you been hypnotized before? Tell me about that.
• How do you communicate in trance?
• What do you like about hypnosis?
• Do you have a preference for how I speak as a hypnotist? Do you prefer clinical speech? Erotic? D/s themes with words like “obey” and “submit?”

Types of Suggestions

• What kind of play are you looking for today? What are you interested in doing?

Here are some categories to ask about that cover most things:

• Hypnotic bondage—making the hypnotee stuck
• Hypnotic characters—making the hypnotee or hypnotist a character
• Memory play—temporarily removing or altering memories, or making the hypnotee not remember suggestions or triggers
• Sensation manipulation—giving the hypnotee sensations that aren't there, or exaggerating sensations that are there. Hypnotic arousal/pleasure/orgasms.
• D/s—elements of domination and submission in the suggestions. Service, control, etc. What about humiliation/degradation? What does that mean?
• Posthypnotic suggestions—giving the hypnotee suggestions that last out of trance. This should be done with caution by advanced hypnotists, and also negotiated separately. Negotiate how long the suggestions should last, where they apply, within what contexts they apply. I'd go so far as to say negotiate and draft specific language for these so that all parties are on the same page before suggestions are put in. Imagine posthypnotic suggestions like writing with a sharpie in someone's head. Talk about it first. Also, don't do therapy. You probably aren't a therapist. Even if you are, don't do therapy in scene. Don't try and “fix” people or help people. The farthest I go down this path is helping people have a good night of sleep that night.

For Any Pain Play

I strongly discourage any but expert hypnotists mixing pain and hypnosis. There are a lot of ways to do mix pain and hypnosis, and a few ways to do it with relative safety. I never mix pain and hypnosis unless my bottom is an extremely experienced pain bottom, and/or hypnosis bottom, and even then, it's tricky. Seek specific instruction from an experienced hypnotist if you don't know how to do this.

• Are you interested incorporating pain?
• What is your experience with pain?
• What are your pain limits like?

For hypnosis, there are three types of pain: real physical pain (with actual impact, pinchy, scratchy, bitey, etc), hypnotic “physical pain,” (“Snapping my fingers and tapping you on the back will make you feel the sting of the flogger just how you like it right where I tap”), and emotional pain (shame, humiliation, sadness, fear, etc.).

• Is there a type of pain that you are interested in?

Real physical pain should be monitored carefully; make absolutely sure your bottom can and will yellow out before attempting. Hypnosis can increase pain tolerance dramatically to the point where people will allow a lot more pain than they intend, sometimes to the point of physical harm. Do not hypnotize people to translate pain into pleasure!
Tip: Develop pain-scale system. I use a ten point scale. What is a ten? What is a five? What number would be your max for the scene?

• What kinds of pain do you like? (Thuddy, stingy, scratchy, hot, cold, pinchy, bitey?
• How do you warm up?

• What toys can I use?
• Can I leave marks?
• If so, where is ok?
• How long can they last?

With hypnotic “physical pain,” it's important to reference specific experiences of pain and describe it such that it feels the way you want it to. Don't leave room for the subconscious to misinterpret and accidentally feed the hypnotee bad pain or overwhelming pain.
For emotional pain, oh my god, proceed with caution. This is extremely edgy. Do not attempt unless you are an expert hypnotist with an experienced subject who has experience with emotional edgeplay outside of hypnosis. Aim for positive suggestions, for example: “and you'll feel the humiliation that you know you love” instead of “and you'll feel terrible humiliation that makes you feel terrible and terrible!” That could just end up being terrible.

Aftercare

• 
  
• What kind of aftercare do you need? (Cuddles vs. space, food and water, blanket, discussion, decompress)
• Will you need transportation somewhere after?
• What kinds of interaction do you need in days to come? (Check in, privacy, space, photos of marks)

Other

• If you start crying, what should I do? (Or, shaking, inability to stand, talk).
• Tell me some things I should know about playing with you.
• Please enjoy your hypnosis play! Let me know what questions you have and what you think I should add.

For a general BDSM scene negotiation, check out... Negotiation Guide
And here's a link to 10 Hypnosis Safety Suggestions Everyone Should Use

Negotiation Guide

BDSM and Kinky Scene Negotiation Guide

Use this guide for your negotiations whenever you are playing with a new partner to establish consent and limits for the relevant and desired activities. Go through the whole thing each time you're with a new partner--this is intended to remind you of items to negotiate and doesn't actually take very long because there will be sections and questions that you can skip entirely. Take notes if you need to. For ongoing or recurring partners, you can also use our shorthand template at the bottom of this document. Do not answer "whatever" to any of these questions. If your partner answers "whatever," I suggest you say something snarky like "great! I've always been looking for someone who will let me vomit in their mouth!" so that they understand the mistake they've made. 

Please let me know if there's something you think I should add to this list. 

Meanwhile, this document should also be supplemented with scene-specific information.

Also, use common sense, please.

Enjoy your scene!

Names and Pronouns

• What is your name? What would you like to be called in this scene (name/scene name/title/pet name)?
• What are your preferred gender pronouns (she/her, he/him, they/them, xi/xir, etc.)? What gender pronouns would you like for me to use for you in scene (she/her, he/him, they/them, xi/xir, it/it's, etc.)?

Note: asking someone their preferred gender pronouns is not the same as asking them their gender. Pronouns are simply the language someone prefers to have used for them, and it is always polite and encouraged to ask for someone's pronouns.

State of Mind

• How are you today?
• How do you feel about playing with me today?
• Are you happy and in a good mental space to play today?
• Have you ingested any drugs and/or alcohol and/or any other mind altering substances?

Time Constraints

• How long are you imagining this scene will go?
• Do you have any time constraints?

Participants

• Of which parties is this scene comprised?
• How many people are in this scene?
• Are other parties allowed in the scene (if so, who)?

Safewords

• What safe words do you like to use?
• Do you like the stoplight system?
• What does "red" mean for you?
• What does "yellow" mean for you?

Language

• Are there any words or phrases that I should avoid? (Stupid, slut, mommy, coward).
• Are there any general areas of topic that I should avoid (racial slurs, family, etc.)

Physical condition

• Do you have any injuries or physical limitations that I should be aware of?
• Are you on any medications that I need to be aware of (ones you have to take soon? Blood-thinners?)
• Have you eaten and are you hydrated?

Clothing

• What clothing needs to remain on?
• Should I take it off you, or should you?
• What clothing needs to remain intact?

Physical contact

• Can I touch you?
• If so, where can I touch you?
• Above the clothing or below?

Sexuality

• Would you like to have an element of sexuality in this scene?
• If so, what are you comfortable with? (Kissing? Hands and/or mouth on external genitals? Fingering? Penetration? Vaginal? Oral? Anal?)

Fluids

• What fluids are you okay with in the scene? (Saliva, sweat, tears, orgasmic fluids, blood, urine).

Protection/STIs

• Do you have any STIs?
• When was the last time you were tested?
• What protection would you like to use?

Specific play

• What kind of play are you looking for today? What are you interested in doing? (Impact, Bondage, Hypnosis, Sensation, Role Playing?)
• What role would you like? (Top, bottom, Dom, sub, Inspector, puppy, Professor Snape)

For Any Pain Play

• What is your experience with pain?
• What are your pain limits like?

Tip: develop pain-scale system to use with first time partners. What is a ten? What is a five? What number would be your max for the scene?

• What kinds of pain do you like? (Thuddy, stingy, scratchy, hot, cold, pinchy, bitey?)
• How do you warm up?
• What toys can I use?

Marks

• Can I leave marks?
• If so, where is ok?
• How long can they last?

Soft Limits

• What types of play would you like me to check in about mid-scene?
• What types of play could be brought up depending on how the scene goes?

Hard Limits

• What types of play do you absolutely not want to do now or possibly ever?

Sub Space

• Do you go into subspace?
• Do you anticipate going into subspace?
• What should I do if you go into subspace?
• What is your communication like in subspace?
• If you start crying, what should I do? (Or, shaking, inability to stand, talk).

Aftercare

• What kind of aftercare do you need? (Cuddles vs. space, food and water, blanket, discussion, decompress)
• Will you need transportation somewhere after?
• What kinds of interaction do you need in days to come? (Check in, privacy, space, photos of marks)

Short Hand Negotiation Checklist for Ongoing Partners

Use this if you've already played with someone a few times.

State of Mind

• How are you today?
• How do you feel about playing with me today?
• Are you happy and in a good mental space to play today?
• Have you ingested any drugs and/or alcohol and/or any other mind altering substances?

Time Constraints

• How long are you imagining this scene will go?
• Do you have any time constraints?

Safewords

• Check in about safewords

Physical condition

• Do you have any injuries or physical limitations that I should be aware of?
• Are you on any medications that I need to be aware of (ones you have to take soon? Blood-thinners?)

Clothing

• What clothing needs to remain on?
• What clothing needs to remain intact?

Physical contact

• What are you comfortable with for this scene?

Sexuality

• What are you comfortable with for this scene?
• What does sexuality mean to you?

Specific play

• What kind of play are you looking for today?
• What are you interested in doing?
• Interested in pain play?
• Thuddy or stingy? (Impact, Bondage, Hypnosis, Sensation, Role Playing?)
• What role would you like? (Top, bottom, Dom, sub, Inspector, puppy, Professor Snape)

Limits

• What are you not interested in for the night?
• What might you be interested in?

Sub Space

• Do you think you'll go into space in this environment?

Aftercare

• What kind of aftercare do you need? (Cuddles vs. space, food and water, blanket, discussion, decompress)
• Will you need transportation somewhere after?
• What kinds of interaction do you need in days to come? (Check in, privacy, space, photos of marks)

Note:

If you're playing with someone for the first time, it's always a good idea to make sure you have a buddy in the space, and/or make sure your partner has an emergency contact number for you.